I recently heard from a wife whose husband was asking for something she wasn’t sure she could provide. About six months ago, the wife found out that her husband had cheated. The husband admitted it himself. He promised to make way for the wife, and after giving it some thought, she committed herself to saving the marriage. However, as time passed, I began to learn more details. And I found out that they did not talk about some kind of cheating in one night. They were talking about a perfect love affair. The husband lasted for months with a co-worker and spent a lot of time and money on the relationship. The wife found texts indicating that the husband was declaring feelings of love for the other woman. It was almost impossible to accept this kind of emotional betrayal.
But, it seems, the more upset the wife gets, the more apologetic her husband becomes. Now, he was adamant that he would do anything to get his wife back and that he didn’t know what he would do if he lost her. Needless to say, the wife felt completely ripped off. She was angry with her husband and some days, she didn’t even want to be in the same room with him. But she could not deny her desire to save her marriage. However, she knew that one of the conditions for this was that she forgive her husband for the infidelity and affair. In fact, he was asking her for forgiveness almost daily because he couldn’t stand that disappointed and hurt look in her eyes.
And every time he asked her for forgiveness, there was a little voice in the back of her mind telling her this might just be an impossible request. Because every time I thought about forgiving him, after about five minutes, I started thinking about how much he had betrayed her in so many ways. Her willingness to forgive turned into anger. And she did not imagine that anything could hinder this process.
I understand. I’ve had these feelings, but since my recovery was some time ago and I’ve had such a short distance, I can tell you that you may not always feel the same as you do now. Sometimes, forgiveness is possible even when you suspect it. And sometimes, it helps more than you can ever know.
You should not force or rush your forgiveness for his cheating. You should acquire: Although forgiveness can be healing, it will only work if you are willing to give it. You can’t just decide that you “should” or will forgive when, deep down, you feel you don’t deserve it. Because in the end, your resentment will come back if you force it.
Forgiveness does not “remain” unless it is earned. If it is not earned, you will always wonder and have those nagging doubts. So, when the husband begs and asks for forgiveness but you know in your heart that it’s too early, or you’re just not ready, there’s nothing wrong with saying it. In this scenario, the wife might consider telling her husband that although she has been very open to forgiveness when she is ready and able to do so, she has not yet reached that point.
She needed to see some real remorse and rehab. And it will take time to see if her husband is ready to earn her trust back by acting completely trustworthy from now on without fail. This process cannot and should not be rushed. A husband who is honest in his promise to “do anything” to save the marriage should understand this and be patient.
When you are ready to forgive, it can be very healing: I’m sure you’ve heard people say that forgiveness is for the one who offers it, not the one who asks for it. What people mean by this is that enduring pain and anger really affects you. Holding on to anger takes a lot of energy and is emotionally draining. When you are able to release these feelings, it is as if a great weight has been lifted.
And many wives in this situation should not be forgiven for the sake of their husbands. They forgive for their own sake, for their marriage, and for the sake of their children. They want to start over from a healthy place and know that continuing to hold negative feelings is not in their best interest.
With that said, forgiveness is not possible, or not the right solution for everyone. But sometimes, it’s really earned and that can bring you as much comfort as your husband.