It can be difficult trying to save your marriage after an affair. You may want to do this more than anything else, but even the most optimistic and loyal people will have doubts. Even when the affair is over, it is very difficult to regain the trust and belief that your spouse is willingly with you and will never cheat again. This situation is true even when your spouse seems completely over the affair and the other person. But what happens if it isn’t? What happens if you can read his face and know that he’s a little unhappy that he’s missing her? What happens if he commits to saving your marriage even though he still has deep feelings for the other person?
You might hear about a situation like this: “When I found out about my husband’s affair, I immediately told him that if he had any chance with me, he’d need to agree to counseling. He did. He didn’t hesitate at all. He said he’d do whatever it takes. And I admit he’s been trying, but neither of us is very happy. I’m so hurt and don’t trust him, he’s asked, and he seems to have lost it. He has a look of longing on his face. When he offers that look, I know he’s still thinking about it. I read some of their correspondence and it was clear he had Strong feelings for her. I think that’s what hurt me the most. The other day of counseling, I confessed to the counselor that I feared my husband still had strong feelings for his relationship partner. The counselor told him that wasn’t what I asked him about. I repeated her question if he still had strong feelings for the other woman. Finally, he sighed and said that you can’t just stop your feelings and that yes, guess he still has feelings, but he has no intention of acting on them. I knew this deep in my heart, but it still broke me. What should I do with this information? Just know that my husband is only with me to save his family, while he still has feelings for someone else?”
Why perspective doesn’t always come right away: I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this and I know the pain you’re dealing with. But I want to tell you something that might make you feel better. I’ve interviewed quite a few men who have affairs related to my articles just out of curiosity. If you ask these guys after the fact (after enough time has passed) if they feel actual love for the other person, almost none of them will say yes. However, some of them will tell you that they thought they liked the other person. It may take a while for them to gain some distance to get to the place where, with hindsight, they can understand that what they felt was not actually love. But once they do, many of them feel very embarrassed about their “feelings.” In fact, an affair is all about fantasy. No one has to worry about childcare, housework, or aging parents during a relationship. Nobody does laundry or deal with difficult kids. But one thing is for sure – fantasy eventually turns into reality. Statistics show that even the best relationships go from fantasy to reality after two years. That’s when deep, meaningful love comes into play. I’m talking about the infallible love that comes between two people who have faced life’s ups and downs together. An affair that doesn’t have that and doesn’t have it. In fact, for the most part, once reality starts to set in (and that usually happens much sooner than two years) that’s when the relationship will lose its luster.
Think about how to run it: Since your husband ended the relationship, this cycle or process will not happen naturally because he decided to end it before that happened. This may be one of the reasons why he still thinks he has strong feelings. I know it’s painful and frustrating, but I’m not sure there’s anything more effective than allowing time to work its magic. If you try to tell him he doesn’t or shouldn’t feel anything, he may feel ashamed, defensive, or guilty—all of which are negative feelings that may cause him to hold back even more.
I definitely think it can’t hurt to be honest about how much he hurts you, but if you keep a matter-of-fact tone and remove the emotion from it, it will help calm his “feelings.” Do not feed the fire. Just tell yourself in your mind that he doesn’t see reality yet and continue to work with your counselor to make your own progress. Everyone has their own path and pace, but as healing begins, many men begin to realize how generous and delusional they are. At this point, many will admit to you that their feelings were just a mirage and will try to apologize for putting you in this very awkward infatuation. Unfortunately, you haven’t gotten to that place yet because not enough time or healing has happened for your husband to get the needed perspective. I know it’s very hard not to react to this, but there will probably be enough negativity without adding more. Sometimes you just have to wait to get the validation you deserve. I know it takes a leap of faith to know that one day he will see reality, but in my experience the vast majority of men eventually do. The question is when. Once they step away from their imaginary world and start to gain some objectivity, the picture can become clearer to them.